Goldy (likeagoldfish) wrote in love_sucks,

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I screwed up

I have (had I guess) this amazing boyfriend who is so kind and loving to me, and loves my daughter like she were his own. I had been feeling really worried and kind of depressed for a few weeks because he told me he was going to move to a college town about an hour away and live in the dorms. He made a comment that he would get an apartment if he could, but he didnt seem like he was going to put much effort into getting us another apartment in this other city. I can't afford to drive to this town on any regular basis, let alone afford to actually enroll in the school and pay for an apartment and childcare for my daughter. And I was afraid of what would happen to my daughter (who adores him) if we broke up later on because of him being at school in another town. So I just let everything stew in my brain for two or three weeks without saying a word to him (first mistake). And then we went to the bar Saturday night, and he asked to take me back to our apartment so he could take a nap for a little bit. I knew he was going to pass out for the night, and I told him I didnt mind, if he would just admit that that was what he was going to do. He promised he was just going to sleep for 20 minutes, and then we could do whatever I wanted (which frankly means sex, and lots of it). I gave up on that issue and went back to the bar (second mistake). I drank a lot of gin, and just as I was about to leave some old guy ordered me another one. I didnt want to drink it (I was already pretty bad off at that point) but I didnt want to waste it or be rude so I drank half of it and left. I got back to the apartment and my boyfriend was passed out drunk, like expected, I was started to feel sick on top of already being depressed. And in a moment of pure, uncontrollable panic, I decided that the only solution to make me less sad was to pack up my stuff, throw it in the car and leave a note saying I'd be back for the rest of my stuff Monday. I drove home, realized I made a mistake, but was way too sick to go back and undo it. My texted me a few hours later, hurt and pissed off, and we had an argument about it for a few hours. And at no point in this conversation did I bother to say that I hadn't meant it.

So its been a week, he doesnt trust me, doesnt want to see me, talk to me, and will only occasionally answer me if I text him asking a question. He said he would let me know when he was ready to talk, but I have serious doubts if this will ever happen. Its tearing me up inside. I am having constant panic attacks, and i am just so miserable. I love him, more than anything, and I never in a million years meant to hurt him. But now Im stuck here, trying to wait it out and hope he misses/loves me enough to eventually forgive me, or at least talk to me again.

So thats my rant (I guess its not really a rant because im not angry in the least bit), do with it what you will
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