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Dethroning #BFFtoBitch [06 Apr 2016|02:13am]
[ mood | Vengeful ]

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suck my love

kids? [20 Mar 2015|05:25pm]

Anyone ever dated someone with kids before? My heart is kind of breaking.
1 nasty love bite| suck my love

Hubs [23 Nov 2014|10:13pm]
Originally posted by camerunda at Hubs
He tells me he will help more around the house if I go back to work. So far, we're 0-2. In the four months I worked last spring, he did help with a couple of the kids' appointments. And some housekeeping on weekends (never consistently). But that was about it. Even on the weekends when I had drill between full weeks of my temp day job? He wouldn't even go to the grocery store so we could have dinner the following week. His reason was that he never grocery shops when I'm at drill. No kidding. Because when I wasn't working full time, I would shop earlier in the week, knowing I wouldn't be home to do it that Sunday.
Did he somehow think I'd skip a weekday at work to get groceries? Or that they would magically appear? And his idea of helping at martial arts practice was to stay at work until class was over (between 7:30 and 8) and then go pick up the kid. Not coming home to take the kid to class, or help with the second kid practice, or dinner, or whatever.

This time it was a single work week. Just 5 days. I made sure the kids were up and off to school, homework asked about and checked, dinner made or at least something to eat every night. Grocery shopped one evening after work, loaded dishwasher before work, made sure kids emptied it. Sorted out work clothes each day, made sure I had something to pack for lunch. He handled one kid appointment, which was great, and cleaned up most of the dinner dishes (but not all) one night. One. The counters and stove top went dirty all week. (yes I could have done it. Point is he doesn't, won't, even after swearing he'll help)
I thought he'd get to it this weekend, since he can be a leave-it-all-week, clean-on-weekend-guy, but no. This was, apparently, his weekend to do mostly nothing since he'd worked all week. He did do some laundry. No vacuuming, dusting, yard work. Did have a list of chores for the kids to complete, though.
He did get up to help pick up the kitchen tonight, only after realizing I was irritated about doing it myself. He quit after wiping off some of the counter top. Left the bottle of cleaner sitting on the stove - and the stove dirty along with the rest of the counter. But he jumped up and spent nearly 2 hours trying to help kid reset her IPAD.
If I say anything to him about any of this, he looks at me blankly. He'll say he did help. Or apologize and say next time he'll do better. And then get mad when I don't believe he will actually help next time. The only thing he does consistently is be inconsistent.
1 nasty love bite| suck my love

[26 Jan 2012|01:25pm]



suck my love

Can't Lie, I'm in love with my best friend... [06 Nov 2011|06:33pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

I don't even know if anyone uses livejournal anymore but I figure it's one place I can still post with some online anonymity. Plus, I'm really in need of help and I'll take any advice I can get.

Ok, the short version of the story is that I'm a male with a great female friend (I actually consider her my best friend) and there's a part of me that has always wanted more than just friendship. Now here's the long version.

After taking her to my Junior Prom back in May of 2005 I started to fall for her. That crush grew into stronger feelings yet I never said anything due to feeling unable to handle a relationship and fear of rejection. For almost 2 years I kept everything bottled up while we gradually got closer albeit as friends. Finally on Valentine's Day 2007 I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings. While she did appreciate the flattering things I said and admitted that could bring us closer, she still rejected me. The next six months were up and down with awkwardness yet we still remained friends despite her saying she could never be 100% comfortable around me. During this time I had a lot of emotional problems so she still stayed with me as a friend and helped me out despite that. Things got back to normal as we prepared to go back to college. I told I was over her as I was about to begin life at a new school. I honestly thought I was over her.

Anyway, I started living the party life with gallon after gallon of booze, weed smoking, and multiple sex partners (please don't judge. It was college). At the same time, she met a guy and ended up dating him for almost 3 years. As surprising as it may seem, her getting a b/f didn't really hurt me. I spent about a year and a half being like an older brother to her and was kinda content with it. Her boyfriend and I even got along. Then in October of 2009 he got frustrated and broke up with her though only for a couple weeks. During those couple weeks she turned to me and I comforted her as much as possible. It was during those couple weeks I realized that I still loved her and never truly got over her. I just drowned my feelings for her by living the high life.

As luck would have it, they then got back together and I knew I would have to bury my feelings. So I did. It was around this time I began seeing my feelings towards her as a burden and tried to meet any other girl who could be the one. Then in January of this year they broke up...for real this time. Or at least for the last 9 months. Naturally, I helped her through the initial break-up plus I took her out and tried to get her mind off things when her ex found someone else just a couple months ago.

We have a great friendship, we really do. As of this Halloween we've been friends for 7 years and in that time we have been through so much together. I love her, she loves me but not like I love her. I feel like I'm betraying her trust by having these feelings and desires for something more. Plus, it hurts me. Sure, I can deal with it most of the time and just put it on the back burner. I look at my feelings as like having a bad back or bad knees. Sure, you're sort of in pain 24/7 but for the most part you deal. Then you have your bad days though.

I've been slipping back into depression for the first time in 4 years these past couple months. It's finally time for me to admit that this has been a part of it and easing this pain will truly help get my life back on track. So, I admit it. I'm in love with my best friend and have been lying about it for over 4 years. Hell, for 2 years I even lied to myself. It's time for me to do something. I can't go on like this.

What can i possibly do? I need help. I may need some kind of therapy to truly get over this. I certainly can't cut her out of my life. You probably think I should tell her and that could help. While it could ease the burden it could potentially change our friendship for the worst because now she'll question everything from the last 4 years. I went through hell when i wrote her that V-Day letter way back and I'm not going through it again. Think about it, not only would I be admitting feelings but I'd be admitting that I've been lying to her for 4+ years. Can I possibly get over this whole thing without her knowing? I just want this to end!

The worst part is, who do you think I would normally turn to in a situation like this? Yes, I can't even turn to my best friend...

5 nasty love bites| suck my love

Fuck Love, I'm Tired of Trying [06 Jul 2011|02:28pm]

[ mood | frustrated ]

 I met this guy ten years older than me. I am 34 and he is 44. Our birthdays are both in November. He told me he is still in love with his deceased fiance and he does not know if he can give me unconditional love and he does not want to cheat anyone. However on the other hand we talk every day, have sex, go out every weekend and sometimes through the week. I care a great deal for this man and I am just lost for words. I want a chance to love him but I don't know how. I written a letter asking for a chance to love him in hopes it can heal his heart to love again unconditionally but it seems as if he wants to continue in the state he is in and I'm just stuck with a shell. What the Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4 nasty love bites| suck my love

cross posted--sorry [22 Oct 2010|10:45pm]

I know this is getting old, and I hope I'm healing, but I honestly have no one who understands, and this is the one place where I can vent.
If he ever sees any of these excuses,  I swear, I don't know what I'd do.
Capitalization was weird in MS word...sorry.

How  do I take that step from love to just friends?

Could you help me please?

Cause there’s a gap in between and I’m  scared.

I see you’ve fallen through, disappeared for awhile,

but you are trying  to pull yourself back up.

As you pull on the rope, trying to reach the safety,

I never know if you are going to fall deeper.

Each time you reach out I respond… and I wait for

Weeks only to hear nothing, and  fear you’ve fallen deeper.

I look down for you often.

I try to reach out for you, placing hints in places

Where you can see.

I don’t know if you realize that I’m stuck too.

Though you’ve made yourself fall out of love,

My feet are weighted down like lead.

I know I love you, and yet it’s so hard to convince myself

That this unconditional love that has somehow survived a broken

Heart and shattered hopes can be a love between friends.

Each time I see you, I realize I’m still in love as much as I ever was.

We’ve fallen opposite ways.

We can’t meet in the middle, or we’d  both fall through

Disappearing from one another for another few years at least.

We can’t meet anywhere but  at the end, as friends.

So tell me, one  who I remember from years past,

When you are ready to take that step.

All I know is that it will take time for my heart,

 But I’ll be waiting

Open arms and open mind

I’ll be  waiting.

1 nasty love bite| suck my love

x-cross-posted [29 Sep 2010|08:55pm]

It's my fault, I guess.
There are times you want to hold on to love so tightly that you just can't let go
even when there is no rope left to hold.
Even when love is no longer possible
I went through our reunion
about a million times in my brain
before it happened.

Yet, as I feel your arms around me...
as I breathe in to the smell that now surrounds me...
I forget everything that I planned in my brain...
every single second was gone.

In my head, survival mode for my heart, I guess
I try to tell myself what to do.
I tell myself to remain silent, remain cold...don't say a thing
and yet  my  mouth opens and words begin pouring out.
Not "why did you leave me after so long without a goodbye"
but simple things about plans for the day... as if you had never left
as if my heart was still intact.

As you tell me that we should meet up,
my brain jumps in yet again to protect my heart.
It tells me not to take  you seriously... not to get my hopes up.
Too late. I trusted you and it's been weeks... you've broken my trust again.

As you leave, I hear my warnings louder than ever.
and yet my heart reacts too soon.
I'm standing, wrapping my arms around you in an embrace...telling you it's good to see you.
At  that point, I honestly think I could see my heart, laying out on the sidewalk with the cans
full of tissue and pictures torn to pieces.

So now I sit here...
beyond angry at myself
for letting it seem as if everything
between us is unchanged.
We used to look at each other and
just smile...knowing we'd never lose each other.
Now, we can barely make eye contact.
For when I look at you, I  fear my sadness will escape
and you just look down towards the ground.

I want to scream that I love you,
but even my heart, the one that forgives a bit
too easily, has walls up too high
to let me express how I truly feel.

Every time I looked at you that day,
all I could think of was our last phone call...
the anger I could feel from the opposite side of the phone,
the shame I felt for trying to show I cared... the tears of hopelessness.
As I hung up, I remember collapsing on the floor in desperation,
praying to whatever I believed in,
asking that this would  work out... that our love would get us through...
I remember feeling a sense  of peace after, that everything would work,
and now  I just add that to the list of lies that love made me believe.

I  hate myself more than anything.
I'm so angry  that when you spoke to me I believed you...
I'm so mad that I couldn't be cold...
that I just cared about you too much
that all I could let you see was that same
darn defenseless girl you left over two and a half years ago.

It's my fault, I guess.
There are times you want to hold on to love so tightly that you just can't let go
even when there is no rope left to hold... and yet tonight while I still grip it
with all the strength that  is left, I realize my hand is full of only string
suck my love

Daily habits of happy women [13 Sep 2010|03:38pm]

Don't wait for a trip to Paris or a winning lottery ticket for a needed boost. New research shows that small everyday habits make a big difference in your ability to cultivate a positive mindset. Weave into your routine these healthy choices from Prevention magazine, published by Rodale:

1. 9 a.m. — Start your day green: People who drink four or more cups of green tea a day are 44 percent less likely to be depressed than those who sip it less often. Its amino acid theanine may spur the release of the feel-good brain chemical serotonin.

2. 12:30 p.m. detox your lunch: Pack your plate with fresh fruit and veggies, in addition to fish and whole grains. Limit fried, sugary or processed foods to occasional treats. Women who eat this way have lower odds of depression, an Australian study found.

3. 10 p.m. track the good stuff: Every night, write down three things that went well for you that day. Be descriptive and note the role you have played in making them happen. You'll be increasingly mindful of how much control you have over the bright spots in your life.
read more at kategrace the lesbian dating community
1 nasty love bite| suck my love

[05 Sep 2010|08:56pm]

My mother keeps telling me that it's still okay to love people even if they aren't the one that's right for you...
I'm not sure whether it's a comfort, knowing that they cannot love me in return, but it at least
gives me something to think about.
1 nasty love bite| suck my love

[31 Aug 2010|06:54pm]

This is the story of my life...Love sucks. And you know what sucks more?! Long distance. I'm done with the lies and the jealously. I'm ending it. Us. But part of me doesn't want to...end it. Can anyone understand that? I love him but I wish I didn't... I wish I could hate him but I don't...

"As the sun disappears beneath the horizon,
as the stars and moon rise above,
let me this one night be a thief of affection,
in the dark a murderer of love"
(Just a few lines of a poem I wrote)

1 nasty love bite| suck my love

[26 Aug 2010|01:41pm]

I realized this past weekend just how much it sucks
to NOT have a significant other.
I miss that feeling of love so much--the different kind of love.
It's been nearly a year (well 11 months), and
I  just have this need inside me to form  a connection again.
My heart's walls are just too high, and as much as I try
to take them down,  I can't.
I miss the feeling of being wanted by a significant other.
It's a feeling I've only experienced twice (maybe once),
and it's just something that can't  be found anywhere else.
I guess I just miss not being lonely.
5 nasty love bites| suck my love

Online Dating [19 Aug 2010|12:48am]


For about a month, I have been trying online dating at a friend’s suggestion. This made sense to me since I have little time to go out to meet guys. So I filled out the profile honestly and to the point, topping it off with a picture of myself at the beach. The first day, I got a message from a LARPer. For those of you who don’t know, Live Action Role Players are worse than the stereo typical D&D role-player on the dork line (I know, I table top role-play). LARPers dress in costume and fight with foam swords. This particular guy was about 100 pounds overweight and in his 40’s. I really should have known right there what I was getting into.

Over the past month, I have talked to many people that were interested in me, but I either didn’t have anything in common with them, they creeped me out, or they were way too pushy. So today I went to check my messages on OkCupid and found three waiting for me. One was from an attractive guy in his late 20’s…asking me if I would like to date his girlfriend. He was very polite about it and very well spoken; however, he thought that his girlfriend would be interested in me and thought I may want to meet her.

Message number two simply asked if I would like to fuck. Which brings me to message number three; this was from a guy who I have been sending messages back and forth with about books for a while. He explained that he couldn’t wait to read a fantasy novel I recommended to him…then proceeded to ask me if I had ever read the Bible, commenting that he noticed I wasn’t listed as a Christian. The rest of the message was him telling me about the glory of God.

So my OkCupid lessons about myself for the day are: 1) Attractive, well spoken guys are not interested, but their girlfriends may be. 2) Strangers want to fuck me. 3) I should be saved.

6 nasty love bites| suck my love

[15 Jul 2010|11:32pm]

our song is like an addiction-- no matter how upset it makes me, no matter how many lies it made me believe, I still have to stop and think every time it plays.. just  listen
1 nasty love bite| suck my love

[15 Jul 2010|10:54pm]

You know what's annoying?
My entire life, my parents have been trying to teach me
not to be superficial... to look on the inside not the outside.
Now that my second ex has left me, my parents continuously
make the comment
"You are lucky he left. He was fat"
It's annoying because my body type isn't that different from his...
suck my love

Just fade away.... [15 Jul 2010|12:14pm]

Why can't I just get over him? He's my first love. He told me he loved me but lied. Our friendship is probably over anyway. He used me and lied to me and I deserve better and I can't let him go! It's been three years since I've felt so empty and alone, he saved me from myself and without him I'm back to feeling that way again. I don't know what to do. I tried to prepare myself for this. But it hurts and I just want it to go away. I want to forget him. I want out of this place that reminds me of him. The memories are haunting me like he's a ghost. And I just want it all to disappear. I want to disappear. Now I want him to suffer and lose everything and regret what he's done to me. How do you let go when you don't want to?
2 nasty love bites| suck my love

I screwed up [09 Jul 2010|11:56pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

I have (had I guess) this amazing boyfriend who is so kind and loving to me, and loves my daughter like she were his own. I had been feeling really worried and kind of depressed for a few weeks because he told me he was going to move to a college town about an hour away and live in the dorms. He made a comment that he would get an apartment if he could, but he didnt seem like he was going to put much effort into getting us another apartment in this other city. I can't afford to drive to this town on any regular basis, let alone afford to actually enroll in the school and pay for an apartment and childcare for my daughter. And I was afraid of what would happen to my daughter (who adores him) if we broke up later on because of him being at school in another town. So I just let everything stew in my brain for two or three weeks without saying a word to him (first mistake). And then we went to the bar Saturday night, and he asked to take me back to our apartment so he could take a nap for a little bit. I knew he was going to pass out for the night, and I told him I didnt mind, if he would just admit that that was what he was going to do. He promised he was just going to sleep for 20 minutes, and then we could do whatever I wanted (which frankly means sex, and lots of it). I gave up on that issue and went back to the bar (second mistake). I drank a lot of gin, and just as I was about to leave some old guy ordered me another one. I didnt want to drink it (I was already pretty bad off at that point) but I didnt want to waste it or be rude so I drank half of it and left. I got back to the apartment and my boyfriend was passed out drunk, like expected, I was started to feel sick on top of already being depressed. And in a moment of pure, uncontrollable panic, I decided that the only solution to make me less sad was to pack up my stuff, throw it in the car and leave a note saying I'd be back for the rest of my stuff Monday. I drove home, realized I made a mistake, but was way too sick to go back and undo it. My texted me a few hours later, hurt and pissed off, and we had an argument about it for a few hours. And at no point in this conversation did I bother to say that I hadn't meant it.

So its been a week, he doesnt trust me, doesnt want to see me, talk to me, and will only occasionally answer me if I text him asking a question. He said he would let me know when he was ready to talk, but I have serious doubts if this will ever happen. Its tearing me up inside. I am having constant panic attacks, and i am just so miserable. I love him, more than anything, and I never in a million years meant to hurt him. But now Im stuck here, trying to wait it out and hope he misses/loves me enough to eventually forgive me, or at least talk to me again.

So thats my rant (I guess its not really a rant because im not angry in the least bit), do with it what you will

suck my love

[11 Apr 2010|09:07pm]

I realized that tomorrow will be a year
since I told my ex I would date him.
When am I going to STOP remembering landmark dates?
WHEN am I just going to let them pass like an ordinary day?
1 nasty love bite| suck my love

cheater cheater pumpkin eater [25 Mar 2010|09:52pm]

I am so incredibly pissed right now because I can now confirm that all boys are fucking assholes.  You tell a girl who is already way too good for you that you love her, but you don't actually mean it because you just want to have sex with her.  And then, I guess you put up with her because every girl wants to be her and every other guy wonders how you landed her in the first place.  But then one night you decide you want to hang out with the shadiest people ever, get fucked up and hook up with the NASTIEST girl ever, just so SHE can call her ex-boyfriend who broke up with her the NIGHT BEFORE to rub it in his face.  Classy.

This makes me question relationships in general.  Why the fuck do we tell people we love them when we're just going to fuck around and completely disregard our feelings towards our significant other?  Do I tell my best friend her boyfriend is a complete douche bag?  She told me he promised her that he didn't hook up with the other girl, but the cat's out of the bag, people.  THIS IS WHY TRUST IS DEAD.  And I can guarantee who ever reads this that my best friend will believe her fuck ass boyfriend over the person who told her.  He's not even man enough to own up to what he did.  Instead he promises her that it isn't true, when, in fact, I know that it is.  How are we ever supposed to trust each other when we can basically get away with whatever we want once "I love you" is the bridge holding the relationship together?  "He loves me, so he would never hurt me."  HAHAHAHA.

Go to hell.
3 nasty love bites| suck my love

[23 Mar 2010|10:08pm]

I loved you but.. .. .

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suck my love

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