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captainb2

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I don't even know if anyone uses livejournal anymore but I figure it's one place I can still post with some online anonymity. Plus, I'm really in need of help and I'll take any advice I can get.

Ok, the short version of the story is that I'm a male with a great female friend (I actually consider her my best friend) and there's a part of me that has always wanted more than just friendship. Now here's the long version.

After taking her to my Junior Prom back in May of 2005 I started to fall for her. That crush grew into stronger feelings yet I never said anything due to feeling unable to handle a relationship and fear of rejection. For almost 2 years I kept everything bottled up while we gradually got closer albeit as friends. Finally on Valentine's Day 2007 I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings. While she did appreciate the flattering things I said and admitted that could bring us closer, she still rejected me. The next six months were up and down with awkwardness yet we still remained friends despite her saying she could never be 100% comfortable around me. During this time I had a lot of emotional problems so she still stayed with me as a friend and helped me out despite that. Things got back to normal as we prepared to go back to college. I told I was over her as I was about to begin life at a new school. I honestly thought I was over her.

Anyway, I started living the party life with gallon after gallon of booze, weed smoking, and multiple sex partners (please don't judge. It was college). At the same time, she met a guy and ended up dating him for almost 3 years. As surprising as it may seem, her getting a b/f didn't really hurt me. I spent about a year and a half being like an older brother to her and was kinda content with it. Her boyfriend and I even got along. Then in October of 2009 he got frustrated and broke up with her though only for a couple weeks. During those couple weeks she turned to me and I comforted her as much as possible. It was during those couple weeks I realized that I still loved her and never truly got over her. I just drowned my feelings for her by living the high life.

As luck would have it, they then got back together and I knew I would have to bury my feelings. So I did. It was around this time I began seeing my feelings towards her as a burden and tried to meet any other girl who could be the one. Then in January of this year they broke up...for real this time. Or at least for the last 9 months. Naturally, I helped her through the initial break-up plus I took her out and tried to get her mind off things when her ex found someone else just a couple months ago.

We have a great friendship, we really do. As of this Halloween we've been friends for 7 years and in that time we have been through so much together. I love her, she loves me but not like I love her. I feel like I'm betraying her trust by having these feelings and desires for something more. Plus, it hurts me. Sure, I can deal with it most of the time and just put it on the back burner. I look at my feelings as like having a bad back or bad knees. Sure, you're sort of in pain 24/7 but for the most part you deal. Then you have your bad days though.

I've been slipping back into depression for the first time in 4 years these past couple months. It's finally time for me to admit that this has been a part of it and easing this pain will truly help get my life back on track. So, I admit it. I'm in love with my best friend and have been lying about it for over 4 years. Hell, for 2 years I even lied to myself. It's time for me to do something. I can't go on like this.

What can i possibly do? I need help. I may need some kind of therapy to truly get over this. I certainly can't cut her out of my life. You probably think I should tell her and that could help. While it could ease the burden it could potentially change our friendship for the worst because now she'll question everything from the last 4 years. I went through hell when i wrote her that V-Day letter way back and I'm not going through it again. Think about it, not only would I be admitting feelings but I'd be admitting that I've been lying to her for 4+ years. Can I possibly get over this whole thing without her knowing? I just want this to end!

The worst part is, who do you think I would normally turn to in a situation like this? Yes, I can't even turn to my best friend...

shawnepooh

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 I met this guy ten years older than me. I am 34 and he is 44. Our birthdays are both in November. He told me he is still in love with his deceased fiance and he does not know if he can give me unconditional love and he does not want to cheat anyone. However on the other hand we talk every day, have sex, go out every weekend and sometimes through the week. I care a great deal for this man and I am just lost for words. I want a chance to love him but I don't know how. I written a letter asking for a chance to love him in hopes it can heal his heart to love again unconditionally but it seems as if he wants to continue in the state he is in and I'm just stuck with a shell. What the Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

prophetstar

How  do I take that step from love to just friends?

Could you help me please?

Cause there’s a gap in between and I’m  scared.

I see you’ve fallen through, disappeared for awhile,

but you are trying  to pull yourself back up.

As you pull on the rope, trying to reach the safety,

I never know if you are going to fall deeper.

Each time you reach out I respond… and I wait for

Weeks only to hear nothing, and  fear you’ve fallen deeper.

I look down for you often.

I try to reach out for you, placing hints in places

Where you can see.

I don’t know if you realize that I’m stuck too.

Though you’ve made yourself fall out of love,

My feet are weighted down like lead.

I know I love you, and yet it’s so hard to convince myself

That this unconditional love that has somehow survived a broken

Heart and shattered hopes can be a love between friends.

Each time I see you, I realize I’m still in love as much as I ever was.

We’ve fallen opposite ways.

We can’t meet in the middle, or we’d  both fall through

Disappearing from one another for another few years at least.

We can’t meet anywhere but  at the end, as friends.

So tell me, one  who I remember from years past,

When you are ready to take that step.

All I know is that it will take time for my heart,

 But I’ll be waiting

Open arms and open mind

I’ll be  waiting.

thegirlwriting

For about a month, I have been trying online dating at a friend’s suggestion. This made sense to me since I have little time to go out to meet guys. So I filled out the profile honestly and to the point, topping it off with a picture of myself at the beach. The first day, I got a message from a LARPer. For those of you who don’t know, Live Action Role Players are worse than the stereo typical D&D role-player on the dork line (I know, I table top role-play). LARPers dress in costume and fight with foam swords. This particular guy was about 100 pounds overweight and in his 40’s. I really should have known right there what I was getting into.

Over the past month, I have talked to many people that were interested in me, but I either didn’t have anything in common with them, they creeped me out, or they were way too pushy. So today I went to check my messages on OkCupid and found three waiting for me. One was from an attractive guy in his late 20’s…asking me if I would like to date his girlfriend. He was very polite about it and very well spoken; however, he thought that his girlfriend would be interested in me and thought I may want to meet her.

Message number two simply asked if I would like to fuck. Which brings me to message number three; this was from a guy who I have been sending messages back and forth with about books for a while. He explained that he couldn’t wait to read a fantasy novel I recommended to him…then proceeded to ask me if I had ever read the Bible, commenting that he noticed I wasn’t listed as a Christian. The rest of the message was him telling me about the glory of God.

So my OkCupid lessons about myself for the day are: 1) Attractive, well spoken guys are not interested, but their girlfriends may be. 2) Strangers want to fuck me. 3) I should be saved.

likeagoldfish

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I have (had I guess) this amazing boyfriend who is so kind and loving to me, and loves my daughter like she were his own. I had been feeling really worried and kind of depressed for a few weeks because he told me he was going to move to a college town about an hour away and live in the dorms. He made a comment that he would get an apartment if he could, but he didnt seem like he was going to put much effort into getting us another apartment in this other city. I can't afford to drive to this town on any regular basis, let alone afford to actually enroll in the school and pay for an apartment and childcare for my daughter. And I was afraid of what would happen to my daughter (who adores him) if we broke up later on because of him being at school in another town. So I just let everything stew in my brain for two or three weeks without saying a word to him (first mistake). And then we went to the bar Saturday night, and he asked to take me back to our apartment so he could take a nap for a little bit. I knew he was going to pass out for the night, and I told him I didnt mind, if he would just admit that that was what he was going to do. He promised he was just going to sleep for 20 minutes, and then we could do whatever I wanted (which frankly means sex, and lots of it). I gave up on that issue and went back to the bar (second mistake). I drank a lot of gin, and just as I was about to leave some old guy ordered me another one. I didnt want to drink it (I was already pretty bad off at that point) but I didnt want to waste it or be rude so I drank half of it and left. I got back to the apartment and my boyfriend was passed out drunk, like expected, I was started to feel sick on top of already being depressed. And in a moment of pure, uncontrollable panic, I decided that the only solution to make me less sad was to pack up my stuff, throw it in the car and leave a note saying I'd be back for the rest of my stuff Monday. I drove home, realized I made a mistake, but was way too sick to go back and undo it. My texted me a few hours later, hurt and pissed off, and we had an argument about it for a few hours. And at no point in this conversation did I bother to say that I hadn't meant it.

So its been a week, he doesnt trust me, doesnt want to see me, talk to me, and will only occasionally answer me if I text him asking a question. He said he would let me know when he was ready to talk, but I have serious doubts if this will ever happen. Its tearing me up inside. I am having constant panic attacks, and i am just so miserable. I love him, more than anything, and I never in a million years meant to hurt him. But now Im stuck here, trying to wait it out and hope he misses/loves me enough to eventually forgive me, or at least talk to me again.

So thats my rant (I guess its not really a rant because im not angry in the least bit), do with it what you will